welcome 2009

i dont believe in saying goodbyes....i believe in welcoming a year with a great hug....i dont really believe in taking new year resolutions...but this year...i am going to give it a try.....

before that...i need to take a second to thank god almighty for being with me all through the previous year..in all the deep downs and valleys i met..and in the very few successes i tasted..i felt your presence beside me....thank you god!!..this time around i am not going to be a complaint box and tell you what all u didnt give me or how you screwed up my life....i just want to give you a big hug and a say an even bigger thank you..for the being the greatest power that controls my life towards the good......

2008 was filled with surprises...i never knew i had these much tears in me to shed...i never knew i had this much resolve in me to face the atrocious situations that i landed myself in....i never knew that i had this much talent in lounging away my time....i never knew that i would hate my life and love it the next second....i never knew that whatsoever be my self proclamations of being independent..that i am solely dependent..emotionally..monetarily..and mentally on a whole lot of people....i never knew that i would hate a year this much..i never knew that i would have such a great ending to a disastrous year proving that..all's well that ends well....

i never knew....for theres a lot more for me to know and learn....

2008 taught me to be brave...strong...and at the same time..timid.....taught me the biggest lesson that if i dont love something or someone...i can never do justice to watsoever it is.....and that i will get royally screwed up in the end....

today...looking back i am a satisfied person...a happy individual....i have everyone on my side...i passed my exams....i feel gods presence throughout...i am strong...i have learned from my faults....i have shed my inhibitions......

come on 2009.....i am ready for another stint at adventure....i am ready to tackle you....i am ready to prove myself......i am ready to break the rules...i am ready to forgive quickly...ready to love truly and to laugh uncontrollably....and above all never to forget anyone who made me smile...atleast for a nanosecond....welcome 2009!!!!

to everyone around...wishing you a very happy and prosperous new year!!!

new year comes with great expectations....great hopes....new dreams...and new stories to unfold....
but what is a new year without a resolution....

i resolve to be a better human human being in every possible way...to try and bring a smile to atleast a single person around me....to live life to the fullest...never repenting what i do and never regretting about what i missed......i resolve to be me....!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

another christmas....

man proposes..God disposes......
i said nopes..no way....God said....yeaa..of course...
i said wow...and God said...yuck!!
i said of course...and God said...think again....!!!

this is the story of my life...and it will be..because by now i know very well that the one up there is a big practical joker...and mostly i m his target.....talk about bullying!!!!...

and this was proved again this year....my so called november which i love soo much...which i celebrate soo much turned out to be an utter disaster.....and the December which i pitied and loathed for giving me loneliness turned out to be quite a sweet month......

this year...i predicted that Christmas would be a sad affair...its supposed to be a time for family...but it was just me and my mom at home...but Santa had other plans for me.....

he was late in showing up...true....but better late than never.....he gave me a gift...in spite of me being a brat and a complaint box...he did give me a gift...it was the best gift ever...

he gave me the gift to make the most out of the time i have with me...even if i am alone or with friends or lost in a crowd...he told me that i should enjoy each and every moment....

enjoy the smiles...the tears...the hugs...the laughs...the taunts....whatever be it....to enjoy...

because maybe one day i will be left to live only with the memories of these....and if dont do that today....i might be left with nothing.....

thank you santa....i almost stopped believing in you...i almost destroyed my christmas spirit.....but u gave it all back..right in time....

so my mom and i had a quiet but beautiful xmas at home eating and drinking and watching movies....celebrating it our way...in our own little way......

and guess what i saw yesterday night when i looked out of my window.....

life at the hospital

i never really thought my first dig at the operation theatre and hospital bed would be in such a way that i would find myself at the receiving end...as a patient!!...but yea!!...my life do have this weird habit of screwing me up when i least expect it...i think i have mentioned in one of my previous post about an impending surgery.....

i am not going into detail about it...lets just say...it was a big enough one...and on a happy note...it was successful....

what i really wanted to share with you people was the kind of change that a week at the hospital as a patient brought about in me...i started my life as a medical student hating surgery and being a surgeon was never on my wishlist...but i guess today it tops my list..i dont know what this explains to you people...my chameleonism in my decisions or the kind of influence that my surgeon had on me...

he was dr.vijayan...a very busy,efficient and a tough person...senior consultant at a leading private hospital of trivandrum...i was referred to him after a stint with colonoscopy with another doctor...and i dreaded seeing him because my experiences with surgeons at my colege werent all that memorable....and he looked pretty tough!!!....but as days went by...i understood he was really an ideal doctor!!!...

i was admitted at the hospital a day before my surgery and i spend 5 days post surgery in the hospital.everybody knew that i was a medical student and they gave me so much care and respect for that....hehe...

the day of my surgery didnt dawn as any other day as i could barely get a shut eye thanks to the premedication(laxatives) that i had to take...if any of you didnt get me there...it is taken to empty your bowels..in other words...it will keep you in the toilet all night shitting..(u asked for it)...and well...at 9.30 in the morning, a male nurse came over with a stretcher and a gown and asked me to get ready..i did as i was told and i was taken to the operation theatre(OT) in a stretcher..my parents were asked to remain back in the room and that they will be informed when the surgery got over....

the OT was a floor above our room and i was taken there in the stretcher and i was given agonising looks by many a bystanders of other patients in the hospital....their looks let me know what they were thinking..."poor dear..at such a young age..wonder what could be the problem..maybe tumour??...it all has to do with the lifestyle of these young people these days..."...hehe...i returned their gazes with an equally puss in boots look which said "why me??god!!!"......the nurse left me in the stretcher amidst lots of other empty stretchers in something called the sterilisation room..where i was left to lie hearing songs and strange accent of club fm rj's pouring from a radio dreading what lay ahead of me....whoever passed me stopped and read my case report and asked me where i was studying and left...thn came my anaesthetist..i had met him a couple of days back for pre anaesthesia check up...he told me i will be given spinal anaesthesia on my lower back...blah blah blah.....thank god!!..he didnt stop talking...he kept me company for the next one and half hours....

they took me to the OT..where there were many nurses and some doctors....i was given IV fluid(drip)..and ECG cuff on my right hand....and i thought then that i looked like the virtuvian man....nearing 10.30 am...my anaesthesia was given...and lemme tell you....it hurts!!!...not exactly like labour pain...but u forget the labour pain as soon as the baby comes out...but this pain..you wont forget and your spine wont let you forget this for another couple of years....soo much for the back pain now!!!!....he asked me if i wanted to be put to sleep...i said no...then my surgeon came...he strted adjusting my legs....i understood the meaning of phantom limb then....coz i totally lost sensation from my abdomen downwards and i thought my legs wer lying flaccid on the table....but much to my aghast i found it in another position.....when my doctor was doing the surgery...explaining to his junior doctors that this is that and all...i tried to get a glimpse of what was happening by looking at the reflections on the overhead lights....i could only see the red of blood...and boy...was i happy!!!...geee.....

the anaesthestist asked me if i was feeling anything...a needless question..if i was..i wouldnt be lying down there thinking of virtuvian man and the grossness of the surgery....i wanted to say tat nothing but my pride hurts...but i guess...he understood my plight...that was when i started shivering...not out of fright...but i was told to expect it...because since all the receptors on my lower body is out of action..the receptors on the upper part become more active..a bit of cold becomes too much.....and here i was trying not to shiver...when my doctor pleasantly looked up and asked the anaesthetist what was the score!!!....india was playing a test match against australia....and i was liek wow!!...soo the stories i hear about surgeons from my seniors are true...that discuss about chicken and biriyani while doing surgery...hahaha....

an hour passed and my surgery got over...i was taken to recovery room...where i had to endure lonliness till i could move my leg...but i was put there for a longer time because my doctor didnt sign the paper....and back to my room...where i was advised not to get up....well..i couldnt..with the drips and catheter and all....and thn the numbness subsided and the pain began...and then another week of not being able to walk properly and getting bored cramped at the room....finally i went home........

aftermath of the surgery.....my respect for surgeons(especially my doctor) grew manyfold....now my aim is to become a peadiatric surgeon...and i lost some weight...(hurrahh!!)....i lost my illness....but i gained a companion for life.....backpain!!!!!!!.......

what i dreamed and what i got-part 1

flashback........

6 years ago....i started thinking about my future-boyfriend/fiancee/husband......i mean..i seriously started thinking....about what i want in him...i know..u mite say i was too young for that at 15...but if a gal says she hasn't even thought bout such things at tat age..aint normal!!!....i am happy to say...i was quite normal...if only in tat aspect.....

i was a die hard romantic...i pretended myself to b the Rapunzel waiting to b rescued by the prince charming....my knight in shining Armour....what he has to b...he should be atleast 6 feet tall....(i am just 164 cms tall...and some people consider me tall for a gal).....should have a great chest....should be of my own frequency....should love sachin tendulkar(i cant bring myself to love....or barely smile at someone who says tat he/she doesn't love sachin)....(not mentioning a couple of criteria for fear of being labeled a terrorist or a racist)....should be romantic...not sugary....should be genuine....i hate fakes...should not smoke....no drugs....should have spine....should be superior enough to gimme a kick on my arse in times wen i need it.....should b equal enough to gimme a push to the right way wen i lose track....should love dogs....should not b tooo fair....should have that rough look.....these are the conditions apart from the usual things that a normal gal looks for in a guy.......

and well...what did i get??.....was i in for a shocker???....

my first stint didn't go too well.....i mean...almost all gals have agreed to the fact that the first guy they fall for is a complete arsehole....mine wasn't any better...the only truth being..i didn't exactly fall for him...i dint quite love him....more out of peer pressure i said yes....and i regretted it the next day wen i saw him....hehe....i was quite at a point of my life wen i didn't have a guy...and people were surprised wen i said i didn't have....hehe.....it was just on that shittiest moment wen my gut overtook my brain.....but hell....to cut the crap...it was a total fiasco....!!!!...

he was close to 6 feet tall....he was kinda obese(i m not exactly perfect 10 either)....he was a wimp...spineless....dint have that great a chest to boast of....played only video games and no sports....doesn't watch cricket...loves sachin tendulkar because i said i do.....says yes to all my whims and fancies...(urghhh!!!).....never fights or argues(double yuck!!!).....no smoking,drinking or doping(i heard he does the first two these days...but who wouldn't??).....was extremely sugary....always told me tat i was the boss.....hmmm....what was i thinking of???....i almost kinda was seeing him for close to an year....the truth is he was following me and i just didn't have the heart to say enough!!!...but guess.....something happened tat made me put my foot down.....or i should say...someone happened....

and tat someone just trespassed through the gates of my heart and stole it...seriously....he met almost none of my above said criteria.....but still we are going strong..together....and my heart says..forever...what he is...and how we met??.....tats a loong story....of"flirt and let flirt"......maybe some other time.......[:)]

my college life....

no..this is not going to b an anecdote of how sweet and crazy and hotshot my college life is.....

this is just about a gal...who forgot tat she was about to join a govt medical college....who forgot tat she was about to join a govt medical college,trivandrum,kerala.....and dared to dream....

about this gal who had huge expectations out of her college life....about this gal who was disappointed with what she encountered....

yea...i am talking bout my college life....

alright..i agree...colleges aint like riverdale high...colleges aint like whats being pictured in all the movies...but was i at fault to expect tat it would b a place were u would get some space for yourself?...was it a crime to expect tat u would meet people who would at least be living in the 20th century..let alone 21st??....

maybe...i was at fault...

because on stepping into the adobe of one of the prestigious institutions of kerala...where people would even overcome nervous breakdowns during their repeat coaching classes to secure a seat...i understood tat i was mistaken....it was all hype...and no show....

where are the teachers that this college proudly advocated as being their own??....they are all retired....!!!...yes...academically....our college failed my expectations....barring a couple....all others enter the lecture class...switch on he ohp(over head projectors)...and start reading what they have soo meticulously written..some 50 lines in a single ohp(and these people screw your lives out of u if u write more than 10 lines in an ohp sheet during your seminars)....i developed an eye problem with that....after the first month of trying to copy down the notes....i gave up...and i saw i wasn't the only one.....

i had expected to encounter big egos.....tats quite natural....but how do u explain if your head of department so proudly announces tat "we are doctors and the rest of the world are laymen"....come on...madam!!..aren't we all humans first....how do u expect your character to evolve??.....i don't want to grow up and be like them......

and if truth to be told....i made no real friends at college....i tried...but i failed...miserably...because....once i got to know them...i understood tat most of them don't have a life...they don't even want to....i dont mean to say tat i am a loner..i do hang out with a group of people....but its all just fluke...because i know..if a need arises...none of them will ever be there for me....

and the guys of my class....the biggest chauvinists i have ever encountered...u wanna know somethng...a couple of them even had the nerve to catch up with me n tell me tat my salwar kameez was too figure hugging...and tat i shouldn't have coloured my hair....talk about all the space i am getting...what the f*** is their problem???...i really don't understand...and i never did....nor i think i ever will......

i am just a year old in college...but i think i myself have aged a couple.......hehe.....life screwd me up at college...and wen it did....it did it with style....because it royally screwd me up.....maybe....wen i start our clinics next year...there might be a change in my stand...maybe...i dunno....but if truth to b told....this is the only step tat i have taken in my life..which i m not sure of....i still dunno if i belong here....maybe i do...may b i don't.....tat only...time can tell......

cold november rain....

"nothing lasts forever...even cold november rain......"

these were the parting words of my elder sis's ex boyfriend wen they decided to break up....i think of this every november.....hehe...dunno if either of them even remembers this.....

but Novembers always been special for me....my bday...my sis's bday....my boyfrnds bday....hehe.....all good things come together....this is the first time in 20 yrs tat my sis n i are not celebrating our bdays together,.,,,shes off th her husband....true..we cut the cake last month she was here...and exchanged gifts...but things are not just the same..

and well...i have a very irksome feeling...tat this time novembers gonna be just shit....dont blame me for feeling like this....but my first year exams are over and i didn't do tat well...and now i hear tat valuations over and that vacations mite b short....i cant b blamed for dreading the d-day....and because of tat i had to prepone a surgery of mine to this month....meaning tat i will most probably be bedridden during my bday month.....all my plans down the drain.....

and right now....i m feeling quite blue....dunno...feeling all soo lonely...especially at the start of the month.....tats not quite right na...and tat means.....thers more doom to come....

ohh god!!!....save me......